FACT! YOU ARE MORE LIKELY TO DIE IN A CAR CRASH THAN BE EATEN BY A FOX

The way I see it is this. Everyone is human. Some people drink tea. Others prefer coffee. But that's no reason to go to war. War is such a, like, waste. But at least it gets you out in the open air, like hunting. Hunting, too, is a waste. Of foxes! But at least it gets you out in the open air. Like war!

War, war is stupid,
And foxes are stupid,
And hunting is such a, like, waste,
Of foxes.

But at least it gets you out in the open air. Did you realise that these days you are more likely to die in a car crash than be eaten by a fox? Kind of puts it in perspective, doesn't it? But if I was on my own in a dark house and a tribe of foxes smashed down the door to eat my family, I would shoot first, sir, and ask questions later. And damn the do-gooders to whom foxes are more important than a human life.

Letter to The Times: Sir, The threat posed to human life by foxes is minimal. These days you are more likely to be crapped on by a parrot than you are to be eaten by a fox. Kind of puts it into perspective, doesn't it? But if I were on my own in a lonely place and a tribe of slavering foxes came to bite my family and eat my chickens I would shoot first, and ask questions later. And d*** and f*** the communists to whom foxes are more important than the family unit and happy chickens. They are c***s sir, they are c***s.

I am not very good with words, but what I am trying to say here is that you can't have family values and foxes. There is a trade-off. So what's it going to be, Mr Blair? Foxes, or your delightful family unit?

Everyone is human, even communists and foxes. But will there still be wars in the future? Let us pray.